Tonight I am so low and my brain is driving me insane and I mess everything up.

If I ever had a baby girl I would like to call her Cassie, Alexis, or Christi.

8st4lb 

So I try not to weigh myself more than once a year because well I’m more insecure than I’d like to admit to anyone and I know it’s something I’d obsess over if I had access to weighing scales all the time. I tend to judge my weight on whether my shorts still fit over my butt or not.

But yesterday whilst I was in town I took the plunge, it’s been a year and a half so I thought why not (also felt semi okay with myself so okay time to weigh myself), and I’ve put on 2lbs. And it’s really not a big deal,  I mean I’ve been fluctuating between 8st2lb - 8st7lb for over 5 years now, and I haven’t really gained/lost any substantial weight.

I mean my tummys a little podgy, and my thighs definitely jiggle a LOT, but I’m pretty okay with that (at this moment in time) because I don’t think I’m a bad weight for my size, and it’s okay that my body isn’t like a 10 year olds.

PLUS I AM FABULOUS (MORE BODY SPACE FOR SASS)

So overall, contentness achieved.

I have the most wonderful boyfriend.

When I had my award ceremony last week he asked me if I got lots of awards just for being a princess (because he thinks I’m a princess and treats me like one) and I was like no silly because uni doesn’t think I’m a princess.

So he made me a certificate for being one. 

He makes me feel special, and looked after each and everyday, and I am the luckiest person ever.

gingerhobbit-tealover:

So I applied for this job through the uni working with one of the researchers designing an online eating disorder intervention for those on the waiting list etc. I’ve been so nervous because there was like 50 people who had interviews; I had mine yesterday afternoon and it was the most terrifying…

I’ve just realised the most distressing thought: I’m never going to be able to get married.

I’ve dreamt about it for as long as I can remember, planned it out in my head excessively, all I’ve ever wanted was to be loved enough that someone would want to spend the rest of their life with me, and on my wedding day I’d transform into a princess and ‘live happily ever after’.

But I can’t. And its taken me right up until this very night to realise that.

A wedding would be a combination of all the things causing the most panic attacks, and events I can’t bear: 100 people looking at me at once is unbearable, and I cant stand the thought of it, let alone living it. I can’t drink and I’d have to spend my night surrounded by everyone else drinking and having fun, the night would involve dancing and that is something I find really distressing;it makes me ridiculously self conscious and upset, and I couldn’t just leave when I wanted to/get tired, I’d have to be surrounded by people until the early hours of the morning, and I know its insane but I really don’t enjoy prolonged company, I’d like to be in a nice hot bath with lots of bubbles by 10. And I’ll probably be sick all day, like every day of my life, my dress will be ruined and I’ll be so weary and uncomfortable.

I think it’s time to stop this fantasy in my head and be more realistic. I need a new dream to guide me.

so this weekend I volunteered for the Wessex branch student BPS conference, so I was at uni for half 8 setting up, and didn’t leave til half 6 packing down.

basically I had an incredible time helping out and getting along with my lecturers, it was a great laugh with free food and alcohol and phototoes! 

And the lecturers emailed us later that night thanking us and telling us they’re more than happy to give us any references in the future :D

Further, I have an interview on Thursday and I’m so nervous pants about it, so I’ll be revising for that on Wednesday, and cramming exam revision in the meantime, so I can enjoy the next weekend at home. 

And then I have my SDA ceremony on the 9th (congrats, me!) and then intense revision forever.

My life is ever busy, ever constant, ever progressing  and nothing stays the same. But that is okay for now, it’s all an adventure. 

This 14kt rose gold ring has a gorgeous diamond leaf on top with a golden branch wrapped around your finger. It contains 10 diamonds with a total

Role reversal. My boyfriend is always broody and I am just like HEY LETS FIND A SURROGATE AND MAYBE ONCE SHES GAVE BIRTH SHE CAN ALSO RAISE IT FOREVER.

But in all seriousness though, if we ever do have kids in the very distant future, he’d be the most perfect dad, he absolutely adores children and is so very good with them.